Let me begin this post by saying two things:

1) Today has been a very bad day at work; and

2) Today is the first day that I have cried at work for a very long time.

My day began just like any other. Off to take a patient for a routine appointment. All was well with the world at that point. On the way to picking up the patient for their regular appointment, the whole world turned upside down. I wasn't paying attention, but what happened soon got my attention.

I can't say any more than that. I had just typed out the whole thing, when I realised that other people are going to read this. I simply can't put out there what happened. I don't want to upset anybody. Let me just say this:

I've been a paramedic for the past ten years. The person I'm working with has been a paramedic for at least twenty years. Both of us agree that this was one of the most emotionally draining cases we've EVER been to. I cried, they cried. I really don't know if I've ever had a worse day at work.

I've had days at work when I've been there when people came into the world, and I've been there when people have left their earthly bodies for better places than this. I've even had one day at work when I was there for both.

Today was the first day when the world seemed to stand still for a split second, and it didn't even happen to ME.

I feel shredded - emotionally shredded. I want to cry, and I can't. I want to feel better, and I can't.

There's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. I don't know what it is - it isn't fear, it isn't apprehension, it isn't even something that I could adequately describe as pain. I really don't know what it is, but I want it to go away. Crying seemed to make it smaller, but I can't cry anymore. I don't know what I need and I don't know what I want, other than I want this horrible feeling to leave me and never return.

I hope you all have a better day than I did.

Forgive me if I don't say "Cheers" today - there is nothing to celebrate.

ECNALUBMA