A smile for a Sunday evening....
I recently received these jokes in an email and had a good
giggle reading them.
Joke #1
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Joke #2
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.
"Quiet!!!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
Joke #3
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a coma. Asleep for six months she awakes to find she is no longer pregnant. She asks her doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, Good news, you had twins. A boy and a girl. They are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman groans, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worse she asks, Well, whats the girl's name?
Denise , the doctor replies.
Hey, thats not bad. I like that name. Guess I was wrong about my brother. Then she asks, What's the boy's name?
The doctor replies: DeNephew
Joke #1
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Joke #2
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.
"Quiet!!!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
Joke #3
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a coma. Asleep for six months she awakes to find she is no longer pregnant. She asks her doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, Good news, you had twins. A boy and a girl. They are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
The woman groans, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worse she asks, Well, whats the girl's name?
Denise , the doctor replies.
Hey, thats not bad. I like that name. Guess I was wrong about my brother. Then she asks, What's the boy's name?
The doctor replies: DeNephew
3 Comments:
I love it! These are too funny - especially the first one! Thanks so much for the chuckles.
:)
By bionic4ever, Jun 03 07 7:38 PM
LOL Beth! My favourite was the last one.
I am glad I provided you with a chuckle.
By denni19, Jun 06 07 5:45 PM
Love the last one :D
By JaneMarple, Jun 07 07 11:44 AM