Only two things are infinite.

The universe and human stupidity,

and I'm not sure about the former.

Albert Einstein

A new quiz of mine has been placed online; it is in the World War I category, in History.  Click on the link below to play it, and feel free to leave comments.

	All Quiet on the Western Front . . . (15 questions)
	. . . but that did not mean other parts of the world were quiet as well! How much do you know of the rest of WWI?

Browsing in a shop, the woman noticed a young family enter,

mother, son and father. 

The father was dressed up in the most bizarre fashion,

multi-coloured hair spiked like Bart Simpson, piercings in his eyebrow, nose and lip,

a large golden ornament hanging from his ear. 

He was wearing a sleeveless leather top with a garish picture on the back

and had snake tattoos on his neck, arms and hands. 

All in all he looked the least likely candidate to be with this young woman and child.

Later the same customer noticed the man dashing through the shop

frantically calling his son’s name.  She watched as he found him by the toys,

pulling the child into his arms in relief as he said,

“You mustn’t go where Mummy and Daddy can’t see you! 

A scary man might grab you!”

There is only one thing in the world worse

than being talked about,

and that is not being talked about.

(This has been bugging me - it’s not a funny, but I feel I have to post it

- if it helps just one person, then I am glad. A <><)

Live Safe, Be Careful

• The elbow is the strongest point on your body.  Use it if you have to!

• Don’t hand your bag to a robber, throw it away from you.  He’s probably far more interested in it than you and will go for it.  Then run. 

• If you are ever thrown into the boot (trunk) of a car, kick out the lights and stick your arm through the hole and start waving.  

• Women have a tendency to get into their cars and just sit for a while.  Don’t do this - someone may be watching.  Lock the doors and drive off immediately.  

• Check your car over before getting into it - you don’t want an unexpected passenger.

• Look to see who may be sitting in the vehicle next to yours, especially the one on the driver’s side of your car.  If a large van has parked on that side, get in the passenger door, regardless of whether you can see a driver/passenger or not.

• If in doubt, go back to the shop, or place of work, or whatever, and ask for someone to walk with you to see you safely into your car. 

• Don’t be the sympathetic woman if you are alone; Ted Bundy, the serial killer, captured his victims by evoking sympathy. 

• If you are alone at home, or the only adult at home, don’t open the door for any reason - if in doubt, call the police.

Watching your daughter being collected by

her date feels like handing over

a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

(Jim Bishop)

Do people think you are the Nutter on the Bus? 

Here are some tips to become just that:

• Put your litter bin on your desk and label it ‘in’.
• Finish all your sentences with “…in accordance with the prophecy”.
• Ask people what gender they are.  Laugh hysterically after they answer.
• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
• Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
• When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!  I won!  Third time this week!”
• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they're loose!!”
• Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the present economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”.

(Anyone who actually takes my advice and does any of this

really IS the Nutter on the Bus.  A <><)

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.  The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.  As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.  After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.  When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.  Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.  The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, “How could you have let this happen?  The first man had everything, yet you helped him.  The second family had little but they were willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.”

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.  "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.  Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and he was unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.  Then last night as we slept in the farmer’s bed, the angel of death came for his wife.  I gave him the cow instead.  Things aren't always what they seem."

"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."

"There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad absolutely solid evidence.  The evidence I had was the best possible evidence that he had a weapon."

In January 2000 a jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas $780,000 after she broke her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. 

The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving child was Mrs Robertson's son.

(I can find no evidence online that this is real,

but it is certainly something that could be true in this upside-down day and age.)

Fed up with cold phone calls?  Just say: ‘Can you wait a moment?’, put the phone on the side and walk away.  Go back half an hour later and they will have gone.

Annoyed with junk mail?  Open it up, take out the pre-paid envelope and send it all back to them.

(I don't know where I got these ideas from, but I have found them very useful tips! A <><)

(A 'cold phone call' is an unsolicited call from a company A <><)

An old lady who was eighty-plus was in the witness box, and her examination in chief ran like this:

Barrister: Good morning ma'am; please state your name for the record.

Witness: Lucille Williams.

Barrister: and your address?

Witness: 37 Smith Street, Kensington.

Barrister: and your age?

Witness: 29 years, and a few days.

Judge (interjecting from the bench): And how many days would that be, Mrs Smith?

Witness: A few thousand, Your Honour.

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul

can always depend on the support of Paul

.

A weed is only a plant somewhere

you do not want it to be.

A rose is a weed in a cabbage patch

and a cabbage is a weed in a rose garden.

In 1928 Liberian President Charles King put himself up for re-election.  He was returned with an officially stated majority of 600,000 votes.  King’s opponent in the poll, Thomas Faulkner, later claimed that the election had been rigged.  When asked to substantiate his allegations, Faulkner pointed out that it was difficult to get a 600,000 majority with an electorate of less than 15,000.

(from The World’s Greatest Mistakes ISBN 0-600-57232-3)

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
Me conscience gets horribly pricked.

Me Mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless,
Me toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time... I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
the murder of fillin's
Injections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,
In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."

How I laughed at me Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

 (Pam Ayres MBE was an instant success in the UK in the 1970s because of her witty poems -

she still writes and performs them and her books and CDs are available for sale online. 

This one was the best-known as it was the first one to take the country by storm.  A <><)

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

“I don’t like the look of the

new missionary,”

said one cannibal to the other. 

“That’s all right,” said the other,

“just eat the vegetables.”

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

. . . here is the second part of the questions about Australia.  These are all credited to Americans - so don’t blame this Brit!

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?  (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?  (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia?  (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?  (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys’ Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.  (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?  (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross.  Can you help?  (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?  (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

(NB Kings Cross is the part of Sydney known as a red-light and drug area.  The London equivalent would be Soho.  The US equivalent would be New York.  A <><)

When the following was sent to me it came with the assurance that they were posted on an Australian Tourism Website by potential visitors to that country, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.  I do so hope that was the case, because they are absolutely marvellous.  I have divided this post into two parts - tomorrow I will post all the questions from the USA!

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?  (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?  (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?  (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?  (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?  (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?  (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?  (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?  (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?  (UK)
A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

. . .